I wanted to write a Thanksgiving post, sharing the joy of the current season that I love so much. I know that I have so much to be thankful for and when I really really think about it, it overwhelms me in a good way, but overwhelmed is overwhelmed.
We had a very busy weekend and of course that comes with a busy week leading up to the said busy weekend, we hosted our sons first birthday party (and even though it was smallish it sure felt big!) and had another little family gathering a few days before that on his actual birthday, had family and friends come and stay to join us and celebrate, followed by a delicious Thanksgiving turkey dinner on Sunday as well and I really could not have asked for more!
Something was niggling at me though, as the thought of writing this post (or rather the ideas of what I thought this post should be) sat in the back of my mind it just didn’t feel right, like it would be a bit of a show and not quite genuine. Hmmm. That didn’t sit well so I waited a few days to try to process this. I think the catch was this: I was just plain tired and kind of grumpy, by Monday night (actual thanksgiving) I was feeling so run down and depleted and really could have cried, even though I had a ton of help with all of the busyness and didn’t even host the Thanksgiving meal! It is amazing (annoying) what lack of sleep can do to my emotions in a bad way. I felt guilty that I was so tired and blah when I thought I should be just grateful and happy and content.
It is fairly well known that the Holidays in general can be hard for people but I never really thought of myself as someone who could be negatively affected by the holidays but even surrounded by so many lovely and loving people I felt a sadness because I knew that some of my immediate family that doesn’t live super close or couldn’t make it for the weekend might be feeling a little left out or lonely and that weighed on me I think. And sometimes it can be hard for me to fully embrace even the best moments when you know someone is missing out, like I feel guilty for having fun without them, which they would shake their finger at btw. …Plus it had been at least a few weeks since we had a good nights rest and to cap off my feeling of tiredness our baby decided to put up an hour and a half fight to even get to sleep Monday night. I was done. Then something amazing happened, he actually slept a longer stretch that night, and even slept until seven in the morning after a couple feedings. Sigh, I think he actually knows when we just about can’t take another night waking up every couple hours and gives us a break, throws us a bone and it totally worked wonders for my attitude. As I laid in bed Tuesday morning, an hour longer than I should have since I had to actaully be organized and presentable and go to my job that day, soaking in the cuddles with my Baby on one side and hubby on the other I was the happiest girl in all the world. Sure my hair was (extra) messy and I have no idea what kind of shape my eyebrows are in I had a decent nights sleep and that felt oh so good!
So yes, I have so much to be thankful that my heart could burst, I know I am so lucky to have many things that I perhaps take for granted some days but that doesn’t mean that life is perfect or easy, it gets hard, I get tired and once in a while overwhelmed about all of the things I can’t change for people that I love, and all of that is okay, all of that is real life and in those moments of feeling weak I learn so much.
After basking in the cuddles and a better nights sleep I drove to work with a grin on my face, admiring the bright sun filtering brilliant light through orange and yellow leaves, a delicious hot coffee in my cup and feeling the full spirit of Thanksgiving, a full 180 from the evening before. In life, in general I try to keep an attitude of thankfulness because really what good is anything if you don’t appreciate it? I love that when I have the right attitude and a general feeling of gratefulness so many little things that I sometimes start to take for granted start popping up on my radar and making me feel all the more grateful- it really is a positive feedback cycle.
I also think that becoming a Mom added another layer to me in lots of ways, (not talking weight here although that may also be true, more emotionally) and this affected me this weekend too. It is a beautiful thing to feel loved and adored but to see the people you love, loving and adoring your own little peanut – gulp – too much! Sometimes I do find it easier to just put up a wall even with good feelings and I don’t even notice until later that I have done it. I’m sure it would be so much healthier to just allow my feelings to just be, even if that would have meant being a puddle of teary gratitude on my kitchen floor.
So there you have it, my not super shiny or perfect ‘Thanksgiving Post’, feeling thankful that I live a life where I am free to have off moments and even more thankful to be able to share knowing that there will probably be people that can totally relate. I’m thankful for the hope I can know because of my faith, feeling thankful for friends and family near and far that we see often or not enough, thankful for my vibrant little one year old (!) who will eventually sleep through the night consistently, and last but so not least thankful for my husband who is generous in hugs and always lets me be me.